‘They’re essentially the problem’: Advocates say men need to be allies for women in abusive relationships

If you need help, you can call the SOS Violence Conjugal line 24/7 at 1-800-363-9010 or text 438-601-1211.

MONTREAL – In Quebec, eight women have died in eight weeks, which has advocates calling on men to step up, show up, and help put an end to femicides.

“They need to stand up, they need to speak up because the more silence that is on the side of the men we’re not going to be heard as much,” said Svetlana Chernienko, a domestic abuse survivor and mental health advocate.

“Because it’s still happening you know so just standing beside us showing us support and rallying beside us is a really great way of showing support.”

Fellow activist and comedian Renzel Dashinton says men need to change as “they’re essentially the problem.”

He believes that male allies are needed in order to get through to other men. Something Chernienko echoes.

“As women, we get involved in our friends’ relationships, we get involved, we’re very opinionated when it comes to our friends because we’re protective. But a lot of times with men they don’t want to say anything because it’s either not cool to say it or they don’t want to get involved cause men usually don’t feel the need to get involved. But you have to because it can lead to someone losing their lives either purposeful or unintentional,” said Chernienko.

She and Dashinton say the change starts at home.

“It’s how we raise our men. We need to let these little boys know that when it comes to expressing their feelings, it shouldn’t be done through violence and explaining why it shouldn’t be done on both ends. The consequences for them and the consequences for the person being abused,” said Chernienko.

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“[Stop] raising your voice. When you’re a man, when your girlfriend is 5’5, when you yourself are 5’10, 200 pounds, raising your voice is a form of violence,” said Dashinton.

“But being able to recognize that the person in front of you is not the same size doesn’t have the same capacity, and maybe it’s not the intent, but the result is a show of force to someone who doesn’t have the means physically to respond.”

Over 40,000 calls have been made to Quebec’s domestic violence hotline since the start of the pandemic and the numbers keep rising.

“Right now, it’s so precarious, too, because we’re in COVID. So, we can’t just say, ‘Well just run to your friend’s house.’ The government is saying, ‘Well, you can’t do that. You can’t have gatherings, you can’t do this.’ So, where are women supposed to go? Some women will not—I’m telling you, they will not [go to a shelter]. Some women, I had to convince go to a shelter at the very least because right now it’s difficult. Some women have told me, ‘I’d rather put myself in harms way than go to a shelter and have my son see this,’” said Chernienko.

Dashinton says abuse has different faces and victims can find themselves trapped in complicated situations.

“It’s complex because there is this lingering feeling of love and confusion and this idea that you might trust and love [someone who] is also the worst person ever,” he said.

Chernienko says women looking to leave have to go to extreme lengths to escape their abusive relationships.

“We need to create a safe escape plan. We need to have social workers to help coordinate this safe escape plan,” she said.

“So, a lot of these shelters are overloaded. It’s because there’s too much conjugal violence happening–so there’s a problem.”

If you need help, you can call the SOS Violence Conjugal line 24/7 at 1-800-363-9010 or text 438-601-1211.