Understanding the emotional effects of ghosting in modern dating

Have you ever been on a date with someone, and you think things are going well, and then they cut communication and vanish, like a ghost, with no explanations or answers? In today’s dating world — it’s pretty common.

Many Montrealers use dating apps, swiping to find their perfect match, but the experience isn’t always so perfect, leaving many to deal with ghosting.

“Ghosting is kind of a complicated behavior, I think. It’s not just about people being mean to each other. You know, ghosting is when you’ve had some sort of connection with someone—whether it’s for a couple of weeks, a day, months, sometimes even years—and then they vanish, and there’s no way for you to have any sense of recourse or to understand why,” explains Treena Orchard, an associate professor and faculty scholar at Western University’s School of Health studies in London, Ontario.

Orchard says things like this can happen due to the algorithm and marketing of dating apps.

“I think the way that dating apps are marketed sets us up for failure. They’re marketed as easy, as fun, as efficient. So that is what I would expect my experience to be. However, it is very, very rarely any of those. And so I don’t think that it’s necessarily the consumer that has inflated or unrealistic expectations,” she said.

“We are sold a product in a particular way, and the reality is so far from that for most of us. And so I think that it’s a combination of a desire to connect, wanting to engage with these technologies, you know, putting effort in—a lot of us, too—and finding very few favorable results often. And so I don’t think it’s necessarily on the consumer,” she added.

“The apps really market that, you know, they market the apps as a game. They want you to see it as swiping and being productive. So that all tells us that they don’t want us just to find one person and then close the app. We are encouraged as dating app users, and we’re sold the idea that success is just around the corner; all you have to do is keep swiping.”

“If you’re constantly swiping, what that means is that making decisions about one or two people becomes kind of challenging and almost antithetical to the way that these things are marketed to us. You know, we get messages from the apps all the time: ‘It’s 9 PM, it’s prime swiping time.’ Oh, you don’t want to go home solo at Christmas, do you? Don’t leave that match hanging. We’re encouraged to constantly be using the product, and that makes deciding on one or two people and then getting off the app a lot more challenging. And so that is very detrimental.”

A 2023 online study from Research Co. shows that 55 per cent of Canadians surveyed acknowledge having been “ghosted” over the course of their lives—including 81 per cent of those aged 18-to-34.

The question is, why do so many people turn to ghosting as a solution?

“I think part of it is connected with our over-dependency on digital devices in general. And the fact that a lot of people, for various reasons, they kind of hide inside their devices and they prefer virtual communication as opposed to in person. Some people are very scared of relationships and commitments because they may have been hurt in the past and they may not have been taught about how to communicate when you’re having fears or vulnerabilities or desires. And so it might seem like it’s easier just to like exit,” said Orchard.

“Also, it’s about conflict resolution. We don’t really learn that much about how to talk about things if you might have a different opinion about something compared to someone else or if your desires don’t necessarily align with that person, but you still want, you still are interested in them, but you don’t know how to sort of work through some challenges that you might encounter. And then so leaving, it just seems like it’s easier.”

Orchard expressed that when people ghost, the person who was been ghosted can often question themselves.

“One of the things that’s so damaging about it is because you have no information, no explanation. So naturally, we turn on ourselves and we think, ‘Oh, they did this because I’m not attractive enough. I’m not successful enough. I don’t look the way that that person might want me to look. There’s something wrong with me.’ So we often look at ourselves as a way to make sense of what other people do, which is natural, but it’s not always because of us.”

“But in the absence of any information, you know, silence is a powerful space. It’s not devoid of meaning, and we often fill it with a lot of our own ideas about what must be happening, as well as our own traumas, our own fears, our own ideas about ourselves, and a lot of complicated ideas about who we are. And when we turn on ourselves, you know, that’s very damaging, and it can reinforce some ideas that we might already have about ourselves and our desirability. And, you know, it feels very hurtful, especially in the digital situation with online dating because it happens so frequently,” she explained.

Over time, she says this can have an emotional impact on someone.

“If you were just ghosted once in the course of your life, okay, you know, you might get over it. But the volume—and that’s true of everything on dating apps—the volume and the frequency with which we have to go through these experiences over and over again, that is going to have an impact. And it should have an impact because we’re not robots. It doesn’t feel nice to be rejected over and over and over again. And so those are some really, you know, really big differences in the olden times or analog days or in real life. People might be a little kinder to one another if they want to part ways.”

CityNews asked Montrealers why they think people ghost.

“It’s easy to not answer their message and ignore them. And you don’t have like a repercussion from like not like you won’t ever see them again. So it doesn’t really matter,” expressed one man.

“If it’s someone you’ve never even met yet, I honestly don’t really think it’s a big deal, but if you have met them in person and created a bond, then I do think it’s not. It’s a bad thing to do because you kind of just leave the person hanging,” said one woman.

Many say that they haven’t ghosted, and agree that it’s not an effective form of communication.

“Well for me, I’ve never personally ghosted anyone and I’ve never been ghosted before. I try to have the decency to actually explain why it doesn’t work and especially I feel like everyone should deserve at least a reason that it didn’t work out, you know?” said another woman.

While another added, “It’s not good for anybody’s mental health. If somebody just ghosts to you and you think it’s going well, but it’s actually not.”

Orchard explained some ways that she believes can be beneficial in order to navigate the emotional effects of ghosting, and dating in particular.

“Dating is always going to be weird and hard and challenging. It doesn’t matter if we are face-to-face or, you know, if we’re on a phone or introduced to somebody—dating is always going to be charged with so many things, and it’s going to probably be challenging no matter what. But I think that finding a way to enrich your dating ecology by not just relying on the apps, by engaging in real-life activities, whether it’s sports or other kinds of interests that you have,” she said.

“I would also just remind people to be gentle with themselves. You know, the world is a pretty dark, scary, challenging place right now, and a lot of us are quite lonely. You know, a lot of us are used to relying on our phones, even when we know that they’re not that great for us. So finding ways to kind of have a different relationship with your technology might enhance the way you feel about yourself. You might kind of relax and get back to yourself a bit, which will have a positive effect on everything you do, including looking for love or, you know, romance, friendship, etc.”

As for ghosting, she believes more conversations need to be held.

“I think we need to have more discussions about ghosting. I also think that sometimes people laugh at ghosting and think, ‘Oh, it’s just dating apps; it’s been normalized; it’s just something to expect,’ and that’s not right. Because it doesn’t have to be that way. You know, I think having different discussions about ghosting and what’s behind it, and how it might differ across gender as well as class, are really important discussions to have.”