Why the shade? The common practice of mom-shaming

By Kayla Butler

CALGARY – Moms everywhere can attest to harsh judgment from other people, including other moms experiencing the same struggles.

Moms reach out for help or share their successes and others are quick to jump in and shame them for parenting styles and lifestyle choices, among other things. There’s an expectation that mothers just know everything when they become a mom due to traditional gender roles, even though society has evolved, according to author Anne Walsh.

“It’s almost as if it’s set in stone that if something goes wrong when it comes to the kids, it has to be the mom. And you see it if something happens to a child, you’ll hear, ‘Well, where was the mother?’ It’s always ‘where was the mother“. We’re kind of type-cast in that way in that we are responsible no matter what–no matter how busy you are, whether you’re a working mom or a stay at home mom… Anything that concerns your child is perceived as your responsibility.”

Walsh adds one of the struggles that comes with that is that being a mom is a 24/7/365 operation. You’re constantly “on” with no breaks.

“There are no jobs out there that you’re expected to perform 24/7, where you’re not allowed to take breaks, where you’re not allowed to make mistakes. And when you’re sleep deprived and you have multiple responsibilities–that’s a lot of pressure to put on a human being! If you do make a mistake, there’s such harsh judgment.”

Nicole Scopie, mother to a young baby who was born three months premature, knows first-hand the feeling of being judged when reaching out for help.

Nicole Scopie’s son was birth three months premature. She says she’s seen lots of mom-shaming as a first-time mom. (CREDIT: Photo provided by Nicole Scopie)

“Everything right now revolves around social media, but social media is such a double-edged sword,” she said.

“You can find some absolutely great groups… but there are mom other groups where you can actually be quite belittled by asking a simple question. But if you don’t know, you don’t know. And that’s why we ask, there’s no point in putting someone down because of it. And if someone is asking you, they’ve likely exhausted all other options.”

Scopie said mothers are very quick to judge each other due to a variety of parenting styles.

“Everybody believes in a certain way to raise their children but not everybody believes in the same way. It’s hard for others to respect that and they’re so quick to turn around and judge.” She says with her baby being so premature there were complications when it came to feeding. Not only did her son need formula, but she had trouble producing milk. She says another mother blamed her for not being able to feed her baby, and therefore being able to properly bond with her son.

Nicole Scopie’s son, who was born three months premature. (CREDIT: Nicole Scopie)

“He’s happy and healthy–why should it matter how I feed him? He’s getting everything he needs. Why do you feel the need to sit there and scrutinize someone like that?” She’s seen a number of other similar situations like this online, and she’s not the only one who’s gone through that judgment.

“It’s just brutal… To sit there and be at your wit’s end, begging for help, just to be told that you’re a bad mom? It’s awful to see some of the things people say.”

And there’s an added challenge with social media when all you see is the perfect snapshots of motherhood, the clean house and the moms with clean clothes and a perfect hairdo and flawless makeup–not reality.

“Just sweeping the floor sometimes, if you have a colicky baby, it’s almost impossible. It’s exactly that, there’s the perfect image that everyone has to portray on the internet. You can’t be real about it.”

But, on the other hand, Scopie says sometimes you luck out with other moms online.

“When he was in the NICU, I was a part of a Facebook group across Canada. One of the NICU nurses actually reached out to me because she also just had a baby. And it actually turns out she was a nurse at the NICU he was in. She’s been probably one of the biggest people that I go to besides my mom,” explained Scopie.

Jennifer Luckhardt, a new mom to a baby girl, says it’s also difficult to know what’s the right parenting path to take when there’s so much conflicting information online.

“What’s very confusing are the guidelines we get for raising our children,” expressed Luckhardt.

“On the one hand I’ve been looking into feeing her solid foods–she’s going to be five months [soon]. I found one recommendation that said you should only breastfeed exclusively until they’re six months, otherwise, it gives them a higher risk of developing food allergies. And then I found another recommendation that said you should start them on food around five months and introducing solids, otherwise they will have food allergies!”

She says it’s incredibly confusing when there’s no definitive answer. “No matter what you do you are wrong.”

Walsh echoes Scopie’s and Luckhardt’s statements and says there’s a dichotomy in motherhood because on one hand society idolizes mothers but we simultaneously devalue their contributions to society and to their families.

“You’re supposed to be perfect, but even if you’re doing it perfectly, everything you’ve done is exactly perfect according to the ideals, it’s still not seen as a big deal.”

Walsh recently released her book on motherhood, Out of the Mouth of Moms, from the Trenches of Motherhood, a collection of stories from other mothers about their own struggles. She hopes the book will give struggling mothers a feeling that they’re not alone.

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