Talking to your children about tragic events: Laval daycare bus attack

The tragic daycare bus attack that took the lives of two young children and injured six others has shocked communities in Laval, all of Quebec and beyond. It can be difficult, of course, for parents to process such news and to discuss it with children who may have questions. For some advice, we talk to Dr. Mariana Lashley, who is a professor in the Department of Psychiatry at McGill University and a researcher at Montreal’s Lady Davis Institute.

What advice do you have for the community who felt very sad, worried and, of course, angry this week? How can we all collectively process this horrific tragedy?

It’s very difficult but I think one of the things that we all have to do is to allow ourselves to experience the grief. We have to talk with each other about it.

We have to use our support systems. We have to find creative ways to deal with it. But our support systems are very important. And if you need to talk to someone, if you need to talk to psychologists, we need to talk to a social worker, whoever, a mental health professional. Please do so There is no stigma. Don’t be afraid. This is this is human emotion. And we all need to help each other. So if you need help, reach out.

From adult, we’re told we tend to know more how to speak to each other about our problems. But what’s a good way to talk to our children about this? You know, those who may be old enough to understand and have questions, or even those who are not old enough to fully understand, but kind of still feel that something is going on?

Well, you first of all, you talk to them in a developmentally appropriate way. Don’t just stick to age, know where your child’s development is and talk to them in a developmentally appropriate way. Talk to them in a way that they can understand. Don’t bombard them with images. My advice is as much as possible, keep them away from the TV, seeing the whole thing over and over and over again. That’s not good. That could be frightening. That can be very scary for a job. But talk with them. Find out what they want to talk about. You know, if they say they’ve heard about it or they’ve experienced it. Listen don’t cut them off. Listen. Ask them what’s bothering them. What do you know about it? What have you heard?

The other thing is to be not only do you listen, but you you help them to be creative in the way they they discuss it. Don’t lie to them. Don’t lie. And if you don’t know the answer to something, be honest. Tell them. I don’t know but I can look it up and I can try and find out and they can get back to you.

Don’t let them fall into the trap of thinking all bus drivers are bad. Or busses are scary. Or you help them to understand that this was something that happened that somebody did. You don’t know why nobody knows why. But there’s some really good people and smart people out there who are trying to understand. And when they know they’re going to tell us.

And, you know, most people are really, really nice. You don’t need to be afraid. It’s okay. The school is doing things to make it better. Reassure the child. But always at the level that they can understand. And as I said, do not lie to the child. Don’t tell them that something didn’t happen, but don’t bombard them with images.

If and if your TV happens to be on their watch, they watch it with them. My advice to you is turn it off. Don’t talk them off and explain why you’re doing it. Don’t don’t expose them to it over and over and over again. It’s not good.

At what point would you say it’s important to allow the child to consult a professional? What’s that? What are the signs?

Well, it’s not a matter of what’s the size, but certainly if the child is asleep, and if the child is afraid, if the child is crying all the time, that, you know, if they expressed expressing fear, if they expressive aid if they are acting differently than they normally would, they sleep better in waking up with nightmares. And then obviously you consult But, you know, even if the child isn’t doing that, some children don’t, but they’re still internalizing things.

Even though you’re talking with them and making sure that there’s always space for them and they know they can trust you and you’re there, you know, there’s nothing wrong with saying with seeing somebody even if they get the assurance that your child is OK and doesn’t need to come back and see me again. And this is a serious situation especially if you don’t feel that you have all the capacity and the competence to to really help your child, then. Yeah. Reach out. Reach out to psychologists, whoever is out there, reach out and take you to go with your child. And peradventure, the person who you see is going to say to you after they’ve spoken with the child, this child doesn’t need to see me again…Most of these situations, parents can handle them. But if you find that you can if you even if you’re afraid to start the conversation, get some help, it’s OK. Get some help. There’s no stigma. There’s nothing wrong with you. It doesn’t make you a bad parent because you can’t do it.

When it comes to that conversation, a lot of parents would say, well, what do I say? What should appearances or something that a parent should say or should not say? I know you did mention don’t prepare them with images, especially for children in daycare. What do you say?

You say something bad happens. You know, you find out what they want to talk about, especially if they bring it up. What are their concerns? What do they want to talk about? It’s really important to make space for them to talk. It’s more important for them to talk than for you to talk, to tell you the truth. Make space for them to talk They say, well, why did somebody do this?

Tell them the truth. I don’t know, Penny. I don’t know. But there are people they’re really good people and smart people out there who are looking at it and they’re trying to figure it out. And when they figure it out, they’re going to let us all know. And if you want, we can talk about it then. But I right now, I don’t know. Nobody knows why this bad thing happened. And sometimes sometimes bad thing happens, but mostly good things happen. And you help them to identify what those good things are like. What are you happy about? What what do you think is a good thing? What makes you happy? So you try to give the child some sense of control.

Sometimes sense of agency and some some positive things. Not saying that these things in their life, and that’s not what you’re going to do, but you’re not going to spend all all the child’s time dwelling on how bad people are and how horrible. And the fact is, the truth is we don’t know why he did it. I mean, a lot of us have a lot of you know, ideas, a hypotheses.

But we don’t know. We don’t know. And that’s the truth.